To Choose A Burglar
by GwennielOfNargothrond
Summary: Although Gandalf himself thought he had found a perfect burglar, he is approached by many strange women who seem to disagree. A light hearted Mary-Sue Parody. ;)
1. To Choose a Burglar

_A/N: This is just a parody, a joke! We're not laughing at the expense of any specific story our author - more so at the the Mary-Sue-OC genre. :) _  
_Enjoy!_

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**To Choose A Burglar**

Gandalf was sure he had succeeded in finding the right person for the job despite what the person himself thought of it. The master of Bag End had in the end almost shouted his "_Good morning_" and his knuckles had whitened clutching his pipe before he had scurried back inside. It had amused the wizard, but also made him content, for he could see what many others couldn't - the hobbit _did_ have a secret longing for adventure, a fear of settling down. Now he would only need Thorin's approval and they would be all set.

With these thoughts in his mind, Gandalf walked down the small road while enjoying some pipeweed. He was just planning to have a drink at the Green Dragon when someone spoke to him.

It was a young elfin maiden, bow on her shoulder and a sword - apparently from Gondolin, Gandalf noticed - on the belt around her slender waist. Her eyes were turquoise and her hair pure silver. Her voice was very beautiful when she said: "My name is Lúthien. Take me with you. I would be an excellent burglar."

Gandalf coughed from the smoke of his pipe. "Now Lúthien (if that is your real name, since I have never heard of anyone naming their child after the daughter of King Thingol)," he said. "I do not know why you think I am in need of a burglar, since I have never mentioned... And in any case, I would no longer need your assistance."

The maiden stared at him fiercely, unblinking. "I can shoot a Nazgul from a 200 feet distance," she insisted and Gandalf wasn't sure whether she was deaf or just stubborn.

Just as he was going to politely tell that their quest wouldn't be about hunting Nazgul anyway, another elleth joined then, though this one seemed to be more of a half-elf. In spite of that, her hair was long and golden (the colour clashing with her amethyst eyes). Like the first maiden, she too addressed Gandalf very promptly: "My name is Gildanlethielloth. Let me be the burglar in your company."

"Listen, ladies," Gandalf said with some indignation, not bothering about sounding patronising - was this how Elves spoke to istari nowadays, like to a common auctioneer? "I have already chosen a burglar and it is neither of you."

"I heard the Hobbit say he doesn't want any adventures," the first elf said with a frown.

"True, but him saying that doesn't mean I can't choose him. Just like I won't choose you simply because you show up and insist on joining -"

"Why not?" said the one called Gildanel-something-something (Gandalf had forgot, since the name didn't really seem to have any meaning in any languages he spoke which was quite a few). "I would protect Thorin with my life," she said, flipping her hair.

"As would I," the other elf, "Lúthien" nodded. "But better than she would."

"I would be better that either of you," a third voice said. Forth stepped a young girl (Gandalf guessed her age to be around fourteen, providing that she indeed was a mortal of non-Númenorean descent which seemed most likely). Her eyes were amber and her soft locks of a purple-ish shade.

Gandalf sighed. His good mood was slowly but steadily disappearing. Where did these strange females come from?

"Even if you really were going to protect Thorin Oakenshield..." Here he raised his hand to shut down the objections. "...I doubt Thorin would want an unfamiliar Elf in his company. You see, although the line of Dúrin -"

"But I'm not an Elf!" said the mortal girl.

"No, but you are far too young to come with us."

"But Gandalf, you have to take me with you. I'm Mary-Sue, the daughter of Sauron and I'm nothing like him and now he's trying to find me and kill me, which is why-"  
Gandalf automatically shut out the rest of the character backstory which was giving him a headache. Sauron did not have children - he was sure of that. Even less a daughter who would somehow have escaped the date of becoming twisted, foul and corrupted as everything else of Sauron's doing.

"...and that's how I found out I'm the chosen one," the spawn of the lost Dark Lord finished.

That was enough.

"Great Elephants!" Gandalf rumbled, his aura increasing in power as he was tempted to use his fiery ring on these infuriating females. "Does anyone of you know even what you are talking about?" he said crossly. "If you'd just listen to me - I don't need a burglar anymore. Or rather, I've already found one."

"But he's a hobbit."

"He's plain."

"And he's male."

"You fools! I chose Bilbo Baggins precisely because he's a hobbit - Smaug would smell your perfumes and the smell of Elf from miles away. Neither is he as plain as you think - there's more to him than meets the eye, you see. And while I don't see why his gender would matter, especially since the other members of Thorin's choosing are male as well..."

"Can't you have two burglars?" the Elf named Lúthien asked.

With those words Gandalf did use his ring. A bright flash complete with a loud puff of smoke left the women coughing and batting away cinders from their clothes while Gandalf slipped away unnoticed.

Hidden behind a nearby tree he watched the three ladies blink in confusion after the fumes had cleared. When they had left (in great annoyance and disappointment), Gandalf lit his pipe again and drew in the smokes of it. Normally he wouldn't use such attacks on harmless females, but the explosion had cheered him up somewhat. He chuckled to himself. So was Bilbo Baggins, the burglar of Gandalf's own choice still "waiting for Thorin's approval"? By the Valar, no. Gandalf would _insist_ on bringing Bilbo with him!


	2. Bonus Chapter

_This one is for Noleme for pointing out that I forgot to include in the previous chapters one of the most obvious kinds of strange creatures who might want to join the adventures of Middle-Earth._  
_Once again, this is just a parody and no one should take it personally. ;)_

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**_Extra chapter:_ **  
**The Girl Who Fell In Middle-Earth**

It was the worst kind of weather the company had experienced on their journey so far and it did not help that they were stuck in the treacherous paths that crossed the Misty Mountains. Even Gandalf was feeling very grumpy and wished that he had been somewhere else, perhaps back in Imladris enjoying the weather of early July and a glass of wine. Thorin had sent Fili and Kili to look for shelter, but while a dry cave would have been nice, Gandalf knew he shouldn't trust in them finding a safe cave in mountains like these.

At last the young Dwarves returned and with good news, too.

"Oh ones nice and dry, large enough for all of us," Kili told his shivering friends.

"And it seems safe enough so no stone giants will squish us," Fili added.

"No goblins either?" Gandalf asked warily.

The two youngsters glanced at each other, but quickly shook their heads.  
"Surely we wouldn't choose a cave that is used by goblins!" they said with mock indignation. Too tired to argue, neither Gandalf nor Thorin bothered to argue and everybody was happy to get out of the rain and thunder.

Finding whatever part of the cave that felt the nicest (and driest), soon each Dwarf was sitting more or less comfortably sharing bread or squeezing water from their hoods. After a hard day the members of the company, however, lay down for some sleep. Even Gandalf felt he could use some shut-eye, especially now that the cave was slowly being filled by quiet snoring of Dwarves. Even Bilbo seemed to have curled up under his blanket, though the wizard suspected he wasn't sleeping yet.

Just as Gandalf was about to close his eyes, he sensed something. Eyes snapping open, hand reaching for staff, sword and pipe, he sprang up just in time to see a flash of something one might call a vortex at the doorway of the cave.

Some of the Dwarves disturbed by the light would have concluded it was just a lightning, had it not been for the wizard.

"Up, everybody!" he shouted.

Right by the entrance of their cave lay a person, although luckily an unarmed person. It was a young woman, clad in a short sleeved tunic and rugged blue trousers. She was still scrambling up when the Dwarves had already grabbed their axes or blades and turned their eyes to the direction Gandalf was pointing to.

"Who is that?" Bilbo gasped.

"I'd like to know _what _it is," Thorin growled.

"Who sent you?" Gandalf said angrily,pointing Glamdring threateningly at the woman who now had stood up. Gandalf had a horrible feeling of recognising the situation, but then the girl's eyes widened and she started to squeal.

Having expected an attack, the Dwarves might have been relieved, but now they we're merely surprised by the intruder. She was clearly excited at the sight of them, though none knew why. She was almost jumping where she stood and she kept flapping her hands while squealing and pointing first at Gandalf, then at Bilbo, then at Thorin, then at Bilbo again.

"What is she saying?" Balin asked the wizard.

"I believe she is saying it's a pleasure to meet us," said Gandalf. In fact he had no idea. The tongue the girl spoke in wasn't Westron, Elvish or even Black Speech. The only thing he knew was that this was bad and should not be happening, blessed be Arda.

While no one in the cave knew what was going on, the girl did not seem to mind or take notice. Would her words be translated, they would mean something like: "Oh my god, I can't believe I got to meet you! [...] My friends will be so jealous. I was just walking home from school when I noticed a hole in the ground and fell in and came here. [...] Bilbo, I'm sorry, but you look much rounder than I had expected, and I didn't think you Dwarves would have such big beards [...] Can you pinch me?"

The babbling went on for a what felt a long while, but when the girl finally stepped forward, her hand extended and a gleeful expression on her face, Gandalf could not suffer it to go on.  
"Who are you?" he asked and looked very terrifying. The gleefulness of the girl faltered and she took a hesitant step backwards.

"Don't let her in," said Bifur from behind the wizard.

"She is a spy!" shouted somebody from the back of the cave.

"I think she's just confused," said Bilbo, always tactful about these kinds of things.

The shouts of the Dwarves drowned his voice, though, and the hollering drove the girl yet another step backwards. And another and yet another. But this last step was a mistake, because before you could say _rocks and blocks_, her shoes slipped on the wet rock, and before you could say _tinder and flint_ she had vanished over the edge with a shrilling scream.

The girl who had fallen into Middle-Earth out of the blue certainly did not trouble them anymore and Gandalf felt a wave of relief. Maybe not in terms of looks, but the foreign woman had had something about her that had reminded him of his disturbing encounter with three other ladies only a little over two months ago and he - as sure as Azog was dead - did not want to have any of this trouble ever again.


End file.
